Another Poem

I thought it couldn't happen
At least not to me
So when it came true
It was hard to believe
I didn't know what to do
All I could do was cry
And when I told him
He could only ask why
We decided together
What would be best
We decided to put
Our love to the test
We had to live life
Day to day
And get prepared for
The baby that was on the way
With things going well
It was hard to see
What was happening
Inside of me
First a slight cramp
Then great pain
Then came the blood
That flowed like rain
It was hard to believe
The words that he said
When the doctor told us
Our baby was dead
Left together
But alone to morn
For a life that was over
That hadn't been born
I remember how
I didn't want it at first
But now I believe
This is much worse
Together we still
Live life day to day
But we'll never forget
The yesterday

Flooded Street

What a gloomy day. It has been raining off and on all day and it rained most of the night. Our driveway is flooded and the street in front of our house. I took this picture after the water had receded a little.
I hope it clears up soon. The home coming parade is this afternoon and Zane wants me to go watch it with his class.
I went and watched my niece play volleyball yesterday. She is in the 8th grade. They have won all their games this year. She did a really good job. I tried to take some pictures but my batteries were dying so they didn't turn out.
I better go get ready for the parade. I can see the flaots going by our house to get lined up. The parade it just a block away so it won't take my long to get there.
Randi

Fair Pictures

This is this years butter sculpture. It is in a refrigerated case so the reflection is bad. It was pretty neat.

Here is Zane on the train. We had to ride it. The ride is about 8 minutes long and it is a nice thing to do when you need to rest your legs.

They had a petting zoo and you could feed the animals. The gaots were fighting each other to get the food. Zane liked feeding them and it was funny to watch them.

Fair

It's been a while since I last wrote. Zane and I enjoyed the fair. It took a little over 3 hours to get there. I didn't get too lost, but I did drive right by the RV park and had to turn around and go back. I also couldn't find my parents camper at first because I couldn't remember what it looked like. It was really nice weather for the fair. It was 60 degrees in the morning and only got in the 70's in the afternoon. Zane's favorite part was where the Army National Guard was set up. They had tanks and trucks that you could look at and you could even get in the tanks and look around. We had to visit them a few times. This is a picture of Zane in one of the tanks.

leaving for fair

Zane and I are leaving today to go to the state fair. I am picking him up from school and we are hitting the road. It should take us about 3 hours to get to Hutchinson. I want to get there before it gets too dark. My parents are staying at a RV park and I'm not sure where it is. I am afraid I will get lost so the more light I have the better it will be. We are going to come back tomorrow some time. I'm not sure when we will leave. I don't want to get back too late.
Maybe I will have a good story to tell about the trip. I will let you know how it went and probably have some pictures to post.
Randi

poems

I started writing poetry when I was in high school. I wrote a lot about the goods and bads of love. I haven't wrote much at all since I had Zane. I guess I don't have as much drama or pain in my life. I have decided to post some of them. Not all of them are true feelings that I had. My friends influenced some of them. Hope you enjoy them.
It was hard to decide what one to post first. This one was never titled.

He said he'd love me forever
And that he would never leave
But as the months went by
I knew it could never be
I gave him all the love I had
But I guess he wanted more
When I found out about the other women
I couldn't walk out the door
I pretended it didn't happen
And that he wouldn't do it again
If I kept giving him my love
His heart I could win
When he said it was over
I asked it he had someone new
He lied to me again and said
I could never do that to you
Now months have gone by
And it's still plain to see
That I still love him
And I wish he still loved me

Rainy Day

This morning it is raining so it is nice and dark outside. What a perfect day to go back to bed and be lazy. That is what I wanted to do. I decided yesterday while I was at work that today I was doing nothing. I didn't want to have to get dressed or go anywhere but my husband had other plans. He wants we to go pick up some parts for the truck at some parts store on the other side of town. So, I guess I will have to get dressed, put on a little make up so I don't scare anyone and drive all the way across town today.
It just thundered really loud and scared me.
I am a little mad right now at the TV. Actually just the 5 stations we get. There is nothing on right now. I used to watch Montel but thay have replaced it with Martha Live. Right now I am watch an info-mercial about a furniture club.
I am hoping today is a good day. I was so tired yesterday. I was grouchy and moody and sad for no reason. I have a lot to do this week so maybe it will keep my mind busy. Zane and I are going to the Kansas State Fair tomorow after he gets out of school. We are going to stay the night with my mom and dad in their camper. We are planning on coming home Thursday evening. It should be a lot of fun.
Well, I need to go start the never ending job of laundry.
Randi

good day

I should be in bed right now, but I just got out of the shower and I want to let my hair dry some or it will be really scary tomorrow. My mom and dad came to Topeka today and we went out for supper. I thought maybe they had something to do in town (they live about a hour away on a farm outside a very small town) but I guess they just came to see me--and probably Zane. I was glad to see them. They brought me a huge zucchini and some money. My dad sold our horse this week. We got her for Christmas when I was a little girl. Since all of us kids have moved away from home no one has been riding her so he decided it was time to sell her to someone who would love her just as much as we do. I wish I could have told her good-bye. I use to ride her everyday after school and tell her everything. It's a good thing she couldn't talk. I will miss seeing her when I go home.
Today was a pretty good day at work. I worked in a different department with one of my favorite people(you know who you are). It is also easier work and more pay. I better go get ready for bed. I am really tired and morning will be coming way too soon.
Randi

Better day

Today has been better. I got up early to get ready to go to the garage sales before I got Zane ready for school. I got a few bargins and had a good time. It was very hot today and I felt crappy all afternoon. I took a shower before Curtis got home and felt better.
We went out to eat tonight and then Curtis took my out for ice cream at my favorite place, Maggie Moos. I am so full right now I feel like I am going to blow up. I am getting ready to go to bed soon. I have to get up before 4am to go to work. I work 3 days a week, which is good because I get 4 days off, but I work 12 hour days. I've been doing it for over 5 years but I'm still not use to it. I don't get much sleep on the weekends. No wonder I am so moody and grouchy.
I may not write much the next few days. I usually don't do much when I get off work.
Randi

letting it out

Have you ever had a bad day, but nothing really even went wrong? That's how today has been. Actually that is how the last couple of weeks have been. Nothing that bad has happened but I feel depressed and I can't snap out of it. I'm not saying that every minute of the day I feel this way, but a lot of the time I do.
It started about 2 weeks ago when I started my period. That is not a good thing if you are trying to have a baby. My period is so messed up. I usually only have one about every 6 months and they are very heavy. This time I only went 4 months and it wasn't too heavy but I still had bad cramps and it lasted more than a week. When I have a period at least I know I am ovulating but it is so irregular it is impossable to calculate the best days to try to make the baby I so desperatly want. I don't know why I want another child so bad. I just feel like I was ment to have more than one baby. Anyhow, I am feeling low about the baby thing. I don't know why I get my hopes up only to have them crushed.
It feels better to get this all out. I don't talk to my husband about a lot of this because he has heard it all so many times before. He dosn't understand how I feel. I know he wants another baby but he feels like if it was ment to be it will happen. Who cares if I feel it was ment to be. Why can't he understand wow I feel. I know I am the one with the fertility problem. I feel it is my fault we can't get pregnant-another contributor to my depression.
This evening I had a bad time. I felt like nothing I did was right. I was so moody everyone was avoiding me. What I really needed was for Curtis to hold me and never let go. I needed him to let me cry, get his chest wet with my tears, let me sob and let it all out. What I got was a back turned to me and snoring 2 minutes later. I think this is where the trouble sleeping is coming from. It happened again last night. Hopefully I can sleep better tonight after getting this all out.
I guess I have bitched enough. I really need to get to bed. I have to get up early. I am going to go to some garage sales with my friend, Larry.

cleaning

Since I work weekends I have the weekdays to myself when Zane is in school. Yesterday I decided to clean the living room. It was an all day event. I think Zane had every Army toy he has (which is in the thousands) downstairs. It took forever to pick them up. I put them all in a trash bag and told him if he didn't get them up to the toy room they were going in the trash for good. Not only did I pick up and vacume, I did a deep cleaning. I dusted all my snowmen( I have a lot) and even moved the couch and love seat and cleaned under them. We had a small plastic Army under the couch. I'm not sure what they were protecting, but they are gone now. If anyone comes to our house we can let them in now, but they have to stay in the living room until I get the rest of the house clean.
Today I am doing more laundry. I did a few loads yesterday and still have more to do. How can 3 people create so many dirty clothes? I hate to do laundry. I don't mind sorting it and washing it or even drying it. I actually enjoy hanging it out to dry--it makes it smell so good. I hate folding it and putting it away. Socks are the worst. It takes forever to mate them up. If I could hire a maid to do one thing it would be folding and putting away the laundry.
I am also going to try to clean the bathroom, but I am really tired today. I didn't sleep very much last night. No weird dreams that I can remember. I just kept waking up.
Have a good day.
Randi

Picture of me

This is me at the Wichita Zoo. I'm not looking too good. It was very hot that day, but we had a lot of fun.

First Blog

This is my first blog. I plan on writing about the boring things that happen in my life.
Here are a few things about me. I am 28 years old. I have been married to a great man, Curtis, for almost 6 years. We have a son, Zane, who turned 7 on July 22. We have been trying for about 4 years to have another child but no luck so far. We live in Topeka, Kansas. Curtis and I work at the same place but on different days so one of us is always home with Zane. Zane is in the 2nd grade.
I am going to try to get a few pictures on here. I don't know if I will be able to figure it out. I don't know a lot about computers.
Randi
P.S. Happy Birthday Dad!